The Humble Indian

I am a dynamic Indian, often seen clinging to the back of the bus with one index finger. I crush cashews with two opposing digits. I have been known to sweep the VT train station clean on my lunch break and force goondas to give up ladies seats. I can translate Punjabi gaalis into chaste Pushto. I write award winning Marxist Bengali plays. Indian Standard Time does not apply to me. Sometimes, I will do Matsyasana in water for three days straight, just because I can.

I woo the ladies with my elegant Harmonium playing, I can ride my scooter up Rohtang Pass to Manali thrice as fast as the DTC express and my samosas are ready by the time it takes you to roll your atta. I am an expert in tubewells, a legend in shayaris and am big in Bangladesh.

Using only my breath and fast feet, I once singlehandedly beat an entire village in Madhya Pradesh in kabbadi. I play the ghatam, I was scouted by Mohun Bagan. I am the subject of numerous khayals. When I get bored, I build Howrah bridge replicas in my back yard. I love maidan cricket. On Fridays, after school, I screen pirated Tamil movies free of charge.

I am a singer of Carnatic classical and a tout of Pawar-ian proportions. Fashionistas worldwide are in awe of my collection of slip on chappals. I am an ordinary citizen yet my bat receives fan mail. I only bowl bouncers. I am planning on touring Rajasthan with a Van De Graaff generator. My Shahrukh Khan impression has earned me fame in international circles. Aunties love me.

I can spit paan juice at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read A Suitable Boy, Gora and the Encyclopaedia of Indian Cinema in one day and still had time to paint a MF Husain knockoff for my dining room mantlepiece. I know the exact location of every pav-bhaji seller in Chowpatty. I have covertly raided millitant training camps in POK and have defused transistor radio bombs in Bangalore. Gravity is optional to me.

I hop-scotch, I chillax, I gambol and I bargain at the bazaar. On weekends, I engage in full contact adda for relaxation. While meditating in the Himalayas, the meaning of life came to me but I was fresh out of neem leaves. I have fed entire wedding parties with nothing but homemade uttapam and jilebis. I breed prize winning hilsa, chase Bollywood starlets in the Maldives and have pioneered Acuvedapathy, a blend of acupuncture, Ayurveda and Homeopathy. I have played Shahjahan, seanced Gandhi and know what really happened to Subhas Chandra Bose.

But I have never left Midnapore.

Note: inspired by this and this.

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- July 25, 2009 12:56 PM // Humour